What is the right family size? A Career Woman’s honest “quiz”
According to statistics most families would answer this question by saying two children, a boy and a girl about three years apart. That is what my current family looks like. While I planned the age gap clearly I didn’t plan the genders. But how do you know that’s right for you? This is really to help decide if you want a small family or a larger family. If you don’t want kids, this won’t make you want them. And that’s ok too.
Now if you are like me, a researchaholic, then you would take a million online quizzes, read articles and analyze the statistics to help you decide your family size. But that doesn’t seem to help me. Surprise. Questions like do you like the look of a family of six at the mall or are you ok with a minivan don’t answer this question.
My ‘quiz’ are questions more for people deciding to grow their family rather than have a family. I feel like either you want a family or you don’t. But, how big of a family can be hard to determine.
So how about these questions:
1- How old are you?
· I had my kids at 30 and 33 and I can only imagine that it would have been easier in my 20s but I wasn’t ready emotionally, financially, or where I wanted to be in my career. My Husband was NOWHERE near ready. He wasn’t sure he was ready when we had our daughter (she was a real surprise that came the year after we married and after 7 years together- I was told children may not be in the cards for me medically) That said I think I would still be up to another, given the perfect storm. But I don’t want to be too old and have trouble being there for them and altering my ability to retire.
2- How are you [and your significant other] handling your family?
· Does one of you seems to be struggling or have you found it rewarding. Similarly, is one sure they know how many they want, because it’s not fair to force them into more children. For us we seem to have found our stride.
3- How many kids were in your family and your significant others?
4- Did you have a happy childhood? Did they?
· These factor in to what you think is an ideal family size.
5- How are your finances, because kids are EXPENSIVE?
· Yes, you can have a big family and be ok but for most of us it will
Impact our lifestyles
6- Do you both want to keep your careers?
· Statistically, three or more children means one parent is going to need to stay home or work part time because of the work and cost of child care.
7- What’s your support system? Are your parents or other family nearby and willing to help with childcare?
· Childcare is more than my mortgage. Its more like my mortgage and my student loans, which are a mortgage in and of themselves. This is a huge factor for us. If we didn’t have this cost I think my husband would be way more open to more.
8- What are your expectations for your children?
· Meaning, do you want to travel with them? Are you into designer only clothes? college...PS id say help but don’t pay – my personal experience is that people who didn’t have a financial investment in their education didn’t take it as seriously as those who had to pay the bills when it was over.
9- Housing costs- what are they like in your community?
· Can you afford a house big enough for a large family. Yes, some of our parents and grandparents were raised in two or three bedrooms with 6 kids. Times change. Can you afford to give kids their own room? Or same gender children share a room with a playspace? How much space do you want or need for yourself? Think about it, really.
10- Why do you want kids?
· Is it because you love your sibling(s)? Is it because your children or the thought of children are your greatest joys? Is it because you are lost and looking for meaning?
11- How are your pregnancies and deliveries?
· Do you feel like wonder woman? Or is pregnancy a chartreuse wool sweater that looks terrible on you- this is me: Hyperemesis Gravidarum- constant 9 months of vomiting all day every day and Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction- an extremely painful pelvic condition that lasts, for me, from 16 weeks pregnant and doesn’t fully go away until 6 months postpartum. How are deliveries? Do you labor two hours and its over? Do you have to have C-sections (for your own health you should only have so many- this is for you and your doctor to determine what is safe). Do you carry full term? Other complications? All of these are safety issues to consider. Having a big family shouldn’t cost you or a child their life. People do still die in childbirth. I think we all take this for granted in a developed country.
12- Factors important to you. This is where the minivan, me time, and life’s little luxuries come in.
· Questions like if you need me time are great, but if you want kids and need me time, you will find it. If you are anxious like I am, you need a significant other that can see it coming and lend a helping hand. Also, know this: It is NORMAL for kids to stress a marriage or relationship. Its normal to question things. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end. It means having a family is hard. Worth it. Tremendously worth it. But hard.
We are probably done. I have a career I love outside the home as does my husband, my supportive family lives too far to help with daily childcare, I have tough pregnancies and deliveries, and a husband who feels we have the perfect family. Sometimes he entertains my questioning as to whether three is the right number, but really, am I romanticizing my childhood? Am I afraid that I am breastfeeding my last baby, cuddling my last baby and will miss these days? I love my sister and want my daughter to have that, but I can’t control gender of a hypothetical third baby and can’t she be close to her brother? Would another make me not feel this way, or would I just be prolonging the inevitable? I also admit that because I had been told from age 16 that kids would not happen (doctors don’t know everything) that I didn’t consider these questions earlier in life. Even if I did, what we fanaticize about isn’t always what we want in real life. So, who knows, maybe we will change our minds. Maybe I will wake up one day ready to face the challenges head on because we are meant for a threesome. But until then, I will be taking my quiz when I’m not sure and enjoying my little ones, and hoping for nieces and nephews for future baby fixes.
