Winter has come early...

 

Winter has come early this year….

It wasn’t even Thanksgiving when we got our first snow accumulation. My daughter experienced her first real snow day. But with that beautiful white fluffy snow, and fleeting flower snowman has come the gloom of update New York winters.

Cloudcover, mucky slush, rain, freezing rain, snow, dirty snow, salty cars, salty roads, early evenings. Its really a downer. I am lucky to have a great view from my office, but even its beauty is depleted by constant grey skys. So I am avid about my indoor gardening.

My home faces north and I don’t have a lot of great windows for plants but at work, ahh, the light is perfect and my houseplants are happy.

Summer, I focus on my yard but winter, I focus on my office garden.  It keeps me happy, it gives me purpose and I breathe cleaner air for it.

 

So if you are experiencing the winter blues already like me, consider some indoor plants. 

Some of mine are even getting ready for winter blooms, my orchid and Christmas cactus are budding I ll post pics one they bloom.

A Realistic Family Size Quiz

What is the right family size? A Career Woman’s honest “quiz”

According to statistics most families would answer this question by saying two children, a boy and a girl about three years apart. That is what my current family looks like. While I planned the age gap clearly I didn’t plan the genders. But how do you know that’s right for you? This is really to help decide if you want a small family or a larger family. If you don’t want kids, this won’t make you want them. And that’s ok too. 

Now if you are like me, a researchaholic, then you would take a million online quizzes, read articles and analyze the statistics to help you decide your family size. But that doesn’t seem to help me. Surprise. Questions like do you like the look of a family of six at the mall or are you ok with a minivan don’t answer this question.

 My ‘quiz’ are questions more for people deciding to grow their family rather than have a family. I feel like either you want a family or you don’t. But, how big of a family can be hard to determine. 

So how about these questions:

1-      How old are you? 

·         I had my kids at 30 and 33 and I can only imagine that it would have been easier in my 20s but I wasn’t ready emotionally, financially, or where I wanted to be in my career. My Husband was NOWHERE near ready. He wasn’t sure he was ready when we had our daughter (she was a real surprise that came the year after we married and after 7 years together- I was told children may not be in the cards for me medically) That said I think I would still be up to another, given the perfect storm. But I don’t want to be too old and have trouble being there for them and altering my ability to retire. 

2-      How are you [and your significant other] handling your family? 

·         Does one of you seems to be struggling or have you found it rewarding. Similarly, is one sure they know how many they want, because it’s not fair to force them into more children. For us we seem to have found our stride. 

3-      How many kids were in your family and your significant others? 

4-      Did you have a happy childhood? Did they? 

·         These factor in to what you think is an ideal family size.

5-      How are your finances, because kids are EXPENSIVE?

·         Yes, you can have a big family and be ok but for most of us it will
Impact our lifestyles

6-      Do you both want to keep your careers?

·          Statistically, three or more children means one parent is going to need to stay home or work part time because of the work and cost of child care.

7-      What’s your support system? Are your parents or other family nearby and willing to help with childcare?

·         Childcare is more than my mortgage. Its more like my mortgage and my student loans, which are a mortgage in and of themselves. This is a huge factor for us. If we didn’t have this cost I think my husband would be way more open to more.

8-      What are your expectations for your children?

·         Meaning, do you want to travel with them? Are you into designer only clothes? college...PS id say help but don’t pay – my personal experience is that people who didn’t have a financial investment in their education didn’t take it as seriously as those who had to pay the bills when it was over.

9-      Housing costs- what are they like in your community?

·         Can you afford a house big enough for a large family. Yes, some of our parents and grandparents were raised in two or three bedrooms with 6 kids. Times change. Can you afford to give kids their own room? Or same gender children share a room with a playspace? How much space do you want or need for yourself? Think about it, really. 

10-   Why do you want kids?

·         Is it because you love your sibling(s)? Is it because your children or the thought of children are your greatest joys? Is it because you are lost and looking for meaning? 

11-   How are your pregnancies and deliveries? 

·         Do you feel like wonder woman? Or is pregnancy a chartreuse wool sweater that looks terrible on you- this is me:  Hyperemesis Gravidarum- constant 9 months of vomiting all day every day and Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction- an extremely painful pelvic condition that lasts, for me, from 16 weeks pregnant and doesn’t fully go away until 6 months postpartum. How are deliveries? Do you labor two hours and its over? Do you have to have C-sections (for your own health you should only have so many- this is for you and your doctor to determine what is safe). Do you carry full term? Other complications? All of these are safety issues to consider. Having a big family shouldn’t cost you or a child their life. People do still die in childbirth. I think we all take this for granted in a developed country. 

12-   Factors important to you. This is where the minivan, me time, and life’s little luxuries come in. 

·         Questions like if you need me time are great, but if you want kids and need me time, you will find it. If you are anxious like I am, you need a significant other that can see it coming and lend a helping hand. Also, know this:  It is NORMAL for kids to stress a marriage or relationship. Its normal to question things. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end. It means having a family is hard. Worth it. Tremendously worth it. But hard. 

We are probably done. I have a career I love outside the home as does my husband, my supportive family lives too far to help with daily childcare, I have tough pregnancies and deliveries, and a husband who feels we have the perfect family. Sometimes he entertains my questioning as to whether three is the right number, but really, am I romanticizing my childhood? Am I afraid that I am breastfeeding my last baby, cuddling my last baby and will miss these days? I love my sister and want my daughter to have that, but I can’t control gender of a hypothetical third baby and can’t she be close to her brother? Would another make me not feel this way, or would I just be prolonging the inevitable? I also admit that because I had been told from age 16 that kids would not happen (doctors don’t know everything) that I didn’t consider these questions earlier in life. Even if I did, what we fanaticize about isn’t always what we want in real life. So, who knows, maybe we will change our minds. Maybe I will wake up one day ready to face the challenges head on because we are meant for a threesome.  But until then, I will be taking my quiz when I’m not sure and enjoying my little ones, and hoping for nieces and nephews for future baby fixes.

Newborn and Mommy get the Flu

It happened. I never leave as I said in a previous post. We hibernate during flu season with winter babies. But I mean we do see people. and i always let other people hold the baby because its important for him to be able to go to someone besides me so that I can run errands, go back to work, and to decrease stress for him around others.
He was 7 weeks old when my daughters birthday came, which was Superbowl. We had a family party, just uncles, aunts, and grandparents on that Saturday and we had some friends over on Superbowl who all have small children and babies so we figured they too would be flu conscious. I put hand sanitizer on ever surface and asked that everyone just wash their hands when handling the baby.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And my good intentions were not rewarded.
My mother in law, unwittingly, brought the flu to us. She didn't have symptoms until Monday. I didn't know she had it and started feeling dizzy and developed a cough on Tuesday. Tuesday night my husband informed me 'ohh mom has the flu.' I freaked. I went immediately to urgent care and demanded a flu test which they thought was crazy because I didn't have flu symptoms. Well,I tested positive for the flu. I started to cry and asked what to do about the baby. I started tamiflu. I called the pediatrician for advice. I kept breastfeeding, disinfected the house top to bottom, worse a mask, washed my hands constantly, applied hand sanitizer as well for good measure.
I started to feel better and continued to wear a mask. My husband sealed our fate though one week after I got sick. He declares that the baby didn't get it.  That afternoon he had discharge in his eye. I called the doctor. They said ohh its nothing if there's no fever. That night he came down with a high fever and we were sent by our pediatrician to the Emergency Room. A bunch of tests later, he also tested positive for the flu. It was so scary. We had to check in with the pediatrician. He developed a ear infection and every time he sneezed, coughed, snorted, whined I jumped. I would not take my eyes off of him. Grandparents came in to help watch him so I could do basic things because I was unwilling to even go to the bathroom without eyes on him. I was so scared he would choke or his airway would block and he would die. I was scared his fever would shoot up if i wasn't checking him constantly and he would have a seizure. I've said it before, I'm a worrier. But he is a toughy and we made it. We are both on the mend and I cant believe how well it went. I don't recommend it of course but the doctor said we had a best case scenario and its because we caught it so early and got him on Tamiflu early.
The following week my mother in law tested positive for the OTHER strain of flu. I politely told her we wouldn't be seeing her any time soon. I cant handle going through that again. But my worst fears were realized and we survived. We basically lost the month of February to illness but I can't complain because we made it through.
My best advise is act fast. if you think something is wrong don't hesitate, even if your husband thinks your crazy or even your doctor. you know best. Trust your gut. I wasn't able to prevent the flu but I was able to make sure we survived it, in one of hte most deadly flu seasons in recent history.

Blog Lover

I have been really slacking on my blogging as of late. Toss it off to a heavy workload at work, exhaustion from potty training and stubborn 2 year old, exhaustion from my pregnancy, and desperately trying to get ready for baby no. 2 (which I'm failing at miserably and may have a baby in a drawer in ten weeks- exaggeration but you get my point.)

Nonetheless, while I am currently living in a state of rearrangement chaos at home (due to changing the office/overflow clothes storage and whatever else I throw in there to a nursery) I still love home and design blogs. 

I do find it hard to balance a styled home with a cluttered home. Its a balance: decorated but not cluttered or overwhelming.  I think a lot of people like me who love a beautiful home but aren't natural, or professional, interior designers and cant afford to hire one, struggle with.

So here's a list of some blogs I like for inspiration:

https://www.kellyelko.com/
- This blog used to be called eclectically vintage. And that's what I like about it. Eclectic and vintage are two things that work in my transitional, comfortable, farmhouse touches, natural element personal style.

http://www.thewoodgraincottage.com/
- Great if your are into natural elements and or farmhouse style. The only issue is that she seems to have taken a bit into that cluttered overwhelming stage. Its seems like there is now a lot going on. So I honestly don't check this as regularly. That said she has some great ideas and i love a good DIY project inspiration. She also uses texture like no other!

http://thenester.com/
This is one of the first Home interior blogs that I got into. She was a renter that had done a fantastic job making rentals look like home on a budget. a few years ago they bought and remodeled an old mill house. I don't know if her style has changed or mine but im not as in love with the styling as of late but her motto is "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful" and that's a motto I want to live by.

http://houseofturquoise.com/
This is a color design blog. And to know me is to know my obsession with all things turquoise or any tealish/minty shade. She posts some of her own home but mostly swoons at design posts from other blogs or magazines. If you love the upbeat color like I do, this is a must.

http://cococozy.com/
This one i follow more on instagram and twitter than anything. Its not totally my taste but sometimes i need a change and something chic. This is my go to for that.

http://dearlillieblog.blogspot.com/
This one, can this woman please come decorate my house. She just gets me. Sophisticated, rustic, great wall color usage (I'm just not a white wall girl) but not colored.  I mean clearly she has good taste we even named our daughters the same name! I love this one. Alot.

*I have no relationship with these bloggers other than I am a reader.

Over committed

I am over committed. I haven't blogged in a while because of it. I haven't done a lot of things, like organize my drawers, file the mail, clean up the storage closet, put away the last size of baby clothes, that are still sitting in the bottom of my daughters closet and the list goes on.

I am over committed at work. I have a number of assignments that are incredibility time consuming. I am I love my work, its totally fulfilling but, it can be draining. I mean I am not that special, people always say government workers are lazy, they don't do their work on time. Its not true, we have so much work that we cant get it all done, well at least most of us, there are of course a few...

I am overcommitted in my personal life. I am on my alumni committee, I am a matron of honor in a wedding this year (one of my best friends) and next year (my sister) and a bridesmaid (my brother). I am attending other weddings, communions, baby showers, throwing parties for family members and the list of events go on. My husband isn't much better, with two jobs, in weddings and overcommitted.

We give. We give to our families, our friends but not so much ourselves. And no one seems to notice and say 'hey do you  guys need anything?'

I spend a lot of time thinking about my breaking point. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting close to it.

Will today be the day that pushes me over the edge?

Will I totally lose it and refuse to go to work or throw things all over the house because I'm losing the battle on cleanliness?

Its is very possible that tomorrow might be the day. Or the next. I mean if I have to deal with one more responsibility I might go crazy, be that crazy woman in the grocery store that talks to herself in a sarcastic tone, her hair is a mess and she looks like a zombie. That might be me soon.
But until then I will just keep bringing this candle from both ends. As I'm sure most working moms feel.

A quick note on a Mom Blog

I sometimes feel that modern mothering can be isolating and constantly defeating. You work full time then you come home and do all the housework, cooking, cleaning (I cant justify a cleaning lady in my budget) pay the bills, spend time with your child (you know that quality time that you need to squeeze in between work and bed), do the bath time routine, do the bedtime routine, and then I'm totally shot. I mean really, my DVR is so full I don't know if I have enough room for this weeks shows.  (I'm not knocking stay at home moms. They don't have it easier either. Yes they can cook and clean while caring for the kids but you still have to take care of the kids - so I do believe that it might be easier to get everything in during your day, I don't necessarily think its easier).
Then there is Pinterest which I love, but it shows you how awesome others are and how not awesome you are. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, where we put the best of the best and never show the reality behind the camera. And at the end of the day your exhausted and you cant understand why you couldn't paper-mâché a ballerina and crochet a mermaid blanket all while meticulously decorating your immaculately clean home...

Sometimes its just too much. So I read momtastic a few times a week. A blog written by real moms with real stories about their life, which usually isn't so perfect. Celebrity moms and moms next door, single moms, married moms, stay at home moms, working moms, they are all covered. Complain about your husband not understanding, the reality of a picky eater, questions for others- Its all there. I really love this blog. I have no association to them, but I wish they wanted me to write for them. Its awesome!

Party for a Purpose

Over the weekend, my husband, myself, sister, 'to be' brother-in-law and a number of our friends attended a fundraiser for a foundation in memory of our teammate that died of cancer at the age of 21. Kellie was a happy inspiring person, before, during and now after her battle with cancer. She always remembered to be kind and put others first. She really didn't have a mean bone in her body.

Her family started this foundation in her memory and continue to do the work she was doing. We also started a scholarship for our college rugby team in her name.

Its funny though, its been a few years now and I don't feel as emotional about it anymore. She had died before I had my cancer and while another '20 something' friend of ours had beat his cancer. She reminded us that we are fallible. Nonetheless, I look forward.

But at the fundraiser her always positive father, clearly the source of her positivity, got up and gave a speech. He told us that in the moment, BE KIND. That's how we will honor her memory.

At that moment I started to cry. I did not always remember to be kind. To be honest its my first instinct to be defensive and aggressive; I have to consciously act kind. I don't fail necessarily at being kind but, it doesn't really come naturally to a glass half full, a lot of shit has gone down in my years, kinda person. Another reason for my emotional outburst was that I don't know if I could have been him. Standing there laughing, smiling, reminding us to be kind. He watched his child die. A wonderful person whose life was cut too short. He was with her when she decided to stop treatment because it wasn't working. He was with her when she couldn't eat but wanted to drink her last Keystone (she would have been a senior in college and it was only fitting that it be a cheap college beer). I think I may have crawled in a hole and never recovered. I get depressed if I have a car accident, if my basset hound stinks up my blankets and if there is sticky on the floor from my daughters snack. But not them. They started the foundation shortly after her death. They donate money to the college and our scholarship. They continue her charitable work in Haiti. They remember to BE KIND.




My 'to be' sister-in-law sent a letter to each bridesmaid describing the others. Under my name she said I was classy if not anything. I never think of myself that way. I always see myself as a hot mess barely holding it together and struggling to remember to be kind to others. It was such a compliment to be called classy. But, if she had called me kind, would I have seen that as an insult? Would I have thought she thought I was weak? Probably. And I would have been wrong. So I will graciously accept classy, but I am going to keep working on being KIND. Because Kellie understood something in her 21 years that I am still struggling with. And if she died to teach the rest of us the importance of kindness, then I will strive to honor her legacy.

Because kindness is not a weakness, its a sign of strength, compassion and class.  Thank you to Kellie and her family for showing me that.